The Father's Heartache

It was around 5pm in the afternoon, me and my youngest sister were waiting for the result of my wife's ultrasound and checkup, excited, nervous and my mind is full of what if's. Confidently, i continue reading the latest news on my ipad, knowing that God will take care of everything.

Suddenly, a nurse came out of the room rushing, calling for someone's name. She shouted, "Mr. Bolista!", twice and the third time she shouted, i stood up and said it was me. She told me, "sir, sunod po kayo sakin sa loob". I don't have any idea what's going on, but without question i followed the nurse. On the third room there's my wife lying on the bed, and looking at the monitor, and beside her there's a woman standing, and pointing fingers on the monitor. To my amazement, i was smiling because i saw a baby's image on the ultrasound screen monitor. But when i look at my wife's face again, she was crying and said "beh, walang heartbeat ang baby". I was shocked, the doctor, kept telling me the reason and she kept doing some explanation, i heard everything she said, but did not remember any of it. I just heard continuous sound in my ear saying "my baby's heart is not beating.." The last thing i remember is we are on the car, driving back home, my wife and my sister were silent. I stayed focus on the road, but tears in my eyes started to fall, it all began to sink in, "my baby is dead, my baby is dead" it was painful. Painful for a father who was excited to have a baby.

That was not so long ago, 4 days before my birthday, i started to think "what is this? a gift to me?"  i asked questions after questions, "what went wrong ?"

A heartache of a father..

That same night, me and my wife we're in the house, she's lying on the bed, i was on the PC, checking FB and other stuffs. I was looking on my friend's profile when suddenly i saw a cross.. A picture of Jesus on the cross, my emotion shifted, i was crying again, but this time its harder, my wife noticed my agony she stood up and hugged me, then with full emotions i cried hard telling my wife, "i'm sorry babe, i am so sorry".

That moment, all things where emotional, it was hard to accept but its the truth. But one thing i remember and what i think God shown to me. The Cross, even God was a Father to a Son. The most beloved Son Jesus. A blameless Lamb, full of Mercy and Love. What hit me that night is not our baby's lost, but what i was reminded. I've heard and read the story of Jesus dying on the Cross, but never i felt the agony of losing your own child. I think i read in the bible that even God the Father can't look at Jesus when He was on the Cross dying terribly. It is painful for a father to lose a child. I realized what God did for me. I'm a church guy, a leader, and a christian, i thought i was doing ok, but God made me realized, i am losing my focus. I was so focused on the "things" of this world, and not the true meaning of life "Jesus". It was a true story for me, a reality of my life, and most of us. We take God's grace and mercy for granted and living for our own selfish life.

A night before my 30th birthday, i was sitting on my bed(my wife is in her father's house in cavite) alone. I pray and do my devotion. I read the first 2 chapters of the book ecclesiastes, once again, i was reminded of things that are not important. First verse of chapter 1, said "meaningless meaningless!" it was Solomon, the riches, and wisest man and king who ever lived. Said it was meaningless.. everything is meaningless.. Truly it is. After i read the book, i prayed for the very first time in a long while a loud prayer, a declaration of faith, with a loud voice i ask God to restore me again. I asked for forgiveness of my sins. And ask Jesus to empower me. As i close my prayer and turned 30 years old, i thank God for everything in my life, the experiences, the blessings and even the painful things that happened to me. From that moment, i promised myself, that i will do my best to please God in everything i do. No more compromise and so... And just like Joseph the dreamer's line says it. "We meant it for evil, but God meant it for good". The painful experienced about my baby's lost was a clear reminder and restoration to me (and hopefully to other people) that we are not of this world, we are His children so we have to behave like we should because He is our Father.

Jesus is the TRUTH, the final Word of God to man, my Savior and my God.

Thank You Jesus.... =')